Family Pet
by BleedingCoffee
Summary: Roy Mustang has a rough day. Mrs. Bradley/Mustang hentai shows up at the office. The Elrics think his 'new book' is about alchemy and they give him a new pet chimera. It's time for shenanigans and adventure.


**AN: **For FMAWeek2015 on Tumblr, Day 6 prompt Home and Family. This is some recycled material from a story I wrote for someone and then scrapped. Reworked in celebration of FMAWeek.

**Summary: ** Roy Mustang has a rough day. Mrs. Bradley/Mustang hentai shows up at the office. The Elrics think his 'new book' is about alchemy and they give him a new pet chimera. It's time for shenanigans and adventure.

**Warnings: **Royai, Parental Roy and Riza, chimera death, adult chatter,

**Disclaimer**: I don't own FMA.

* * *

_Family Pet_

* * *

Roy stared at the Xingese word and then re-read the sentence to try and use context clues to figure out what it meant. As with most languages the older the books got, the more the vernacular distanced itself from the current spoken dialect of the country. Xingese was a more complicated language, characters could have several different meanings depending on the inflection, more so in the ancient texts where the language wasn't as uniform. Really it was just a huge pain in the ass. Whatever that word was seemed to be the key to the sentence and he didn't have a damned clue what it meant. Would it be the information he needed to figure out how Chimera were made, doubtful, but now it was taunting him and he hated that. He was concentrating on it so hard that he didn't notice Riza come up beside him.

"Sir, you have mail from Central, Investigations division." Hawkeye smiled as he jumped and broke his concentration. Instead of being his often moody self when something aggravated him he simply sighed and set the book down. It was a change for him, he wasn't nearly as tense after his weekend spent at her apartment and the stress of everything happening in East City didn't seem to be hampering him as much. Paperwork still wasn't getting done, but his desk was covered with Chimera related information and research on Scar. There was a tremendous workload now but he didn't seem to be bitching about it, breaking pencils or threatening to light people on fire. No, right now he was burying himself in work like a true alchemist trying to find answers and completely refocused. Riza smiled, she was glad that she finally asked him to stay all weekend. All the sneaking around and stress of keeping their relationship secret was taking it's toll. It was nice to simply enjoy each other without having to keep watching the clock.

Roy looked up and tried to not give her a smile, he could feel the corner of his mouth twitch before he suppressed it. "Thank you Lieutenant."

Hawkeye sat down at her desk and watched his face as he opened the envelope and removed a...comic book? His face went from curiosity, to confusion to annoyance as he started flipping through the pages. In fact she thought she saw a blush form before he threw the book down and grabbed the phone and angrily started dialing someone.

"_Lieutenant Colonel Hughes."_

"What the hell did you send me?" Roy demanded.

"_Oh, is that you Colonel Mustang? I mean...THE Colonel Mustang of Flames of Passion a love story like no other?"_

Roy ground his teeth as he heard laughing and snapped. "This isn't funny and is a violation of military code."

"_So, I guess you got my present?" _

"Hughes, what the hell were you thinking?"

"_I didn't draw it."_

He heard the laughing and felt his blood begin to boil. "Are you insane? Why would you send this to me, HERE?"

"_Page 16 is work related. Apparently you are working hard to get that promotion to Central."_

"Maes, this isn't funny." He covered his eyes with his hand. This wasn't happening. He was aware that mail was being opened and read and phone conversations tapped. Why the hell would he send a Mrs. Bradley/Mustang hentai doujinshi through the military postal system? "You do realize that this has probably all over Central now, right?"

"_Of course. Porn addiction is becoming an epidemic."_

He cringed. "Not funny."

"_Clearly you haven't seen page 22." _

"I'm burning it."

"_NO! Roy! Come on, lighten up! You have to read it, you have the abs of a god! And well, she...is holding up well through the years. So Enjoy it!"_

"Enjoy my career being flushed down the toilet?" He hissed.

"_Stop being so dramatic!"_

"Well that's just great, when I'm fired for this at least I'll still have a budding career in _pornography_!" He snapped and got everyone's attention. Dammit, this wasn't happening. This had to be just one of his nightmares! He could have just sent this to his apartment and he would have found it a rather frightening but amusing joke. However, here it was on his desk in his office...just like the drawings inside the book. Mrs. Bradley had always been all smiles and he did find it weird she knew his name, but who the hell though this was arousing? The Fuhrer's wife in a hentai doujinshi with a man half her age? He could just see his career going up in flames.

"_You might want to be careful at the next formal ball in Central."_

He slammed the phone down and looked up at his staff who was just dying to see the book on his desk. "What the hell are you all looking at?"

Hawkeye glanced at the guys who seemed to be mentally cataloging this for later investigating. Roy Mustang, porn star. Now that was something she had to admit was sort of funny. Odd that he'd be so upset considering the womanizing reputation he had established for himself, though he did seem to like to remain a 'gentleman' despite pretending to be a philandering bastard. She wondered who the comic was about, she knew he'd joke about it if it was her to dispel any rumors that they were involved. Who would upset him? She looked up as the phone rang and Mustang grabbed it on the first ring.

"What?!"

"_Really, it's not exactly the most risque piece I've had cross my desk, but..probably the most awkward. I think you're going to have to burn my couch next time you're in town. Never realized what you could be doing when you stayed at my place..."_

"Alright, I'll just have to burn every last copy of this damned comic with it!" Roy hissed and wondered why Maes turned against him. What the hell was this? It wasn't funny, it was just...creepy. He looked at the words in print on the doujinshi on his desk, the comic version of him innocently asking 'Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Bradley?'. He slammaed his eyes shut. Holy hell, this wasn't real. Not after the amazing weekend he just had.

"_Well, thing is that it's already on the third printing. You might just have a second career here."_

He smacked his head on the desk again. Third printing!? Were they handing it out as required reading material? "Find whoever did this, Maes. Please."

"_I already did. You're looking at her, in print on your desk. Did you know there is even fanfiction with this ship?"_

He sat up and glared at his staff who was avoiding looking at him and trying to hide their smiles. Then he heard Maes start to laugh and slammed the phone down a second time. Mrs. Bradley had porn made of _him_? What the hell!? "I need a new best friend. I think I'll get a dog this time."

"Sir?" Hawkeye said and tried to hide her smirk. "I doubt we have a requisition form for that. Would you like me to start taking applications or just draft likely individuals into service? Hayate, did you want to be the Colonel's best friend?"

"Aren't you funny." He said dryly as the dog wagged his tail and came over to his side.

"I can get you matching dog tags with my phone number in case you get drunk together and need to have someone pick you up." Hawkeye said and returned to her requisition forms. Apparently she was also in a good mood from this weekend. "Those Best Friend Forever necklaces? The ones where they match up when you have them both?"

"Can this day get any worse?" Roy grumbled and looked up as the door to the main office swing open and a gray haired old man entered the room with a smile on his face. "That was a rhetorical question."

"Hello General Grumman." Hawkeye said and watched him walk over to Roy's desk.

"Oh, so you do have a copy!" Grumman picked up the doujinshi. He chuckled. "What an original way to increase your popularity! Ha! _Flames of Passion_, that's pretty clever title!"

Roy wanted to scream. The eccentric Grumman wouldn't hold this against him, would he? He looked up as the man chuckled and frowned as he realized he was flipping through the hentai. Yes, now it was much worse. It was creepy and so much worse! Now he kinda wished he did reprimand him for it as the last thing he wanted was to hear about this every time they played chess. No, actually he hoped he was executed for it.

"I don't recall Mrs. Bradley being this well endowed. Artistic license I guess..."Grumman mumbled.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye?" Roy said quietly.

"Yes sir?" Riza looked up at him, trying to avoid seeing Grumman's face as he looked at the book. His eyebrows wiggled as he chirped a girlish giggle. Ugh, too weird. Wait...did he say Mrs. Bradley?

"I'm going to need you to shoot me." Roy said with the most serious tone he had ever used in the office. He saw Riza's flicker of confusion as she watched her Grandfather flip through pornography and her beautiful brown eyes caught a glimpse of the cover. She covered her mouth to avoid letting out a startled gasp or laugh, whatever her reaction was. At least he'd be able to hear her incredible laughter next weekend as they laid on her bed and she mocked him for this. However Friday was a long ways away and things of this nature spiraled out of control fast.

"Going to have to deal with this sometime, Mustang." Grumman raised his eyebrows. "Well that is an interesting position...hmpf. Forget you're so young and flexible and apparently educated in many arts. Anyhow scandals and such are part of the political world."

"This isn't anything but someone's imagination." He growled and felt like he needed a shower. Hawkeye's grandfather just complimented his flexibility? He looked to her and she was hiding her smile behind a folder. "It's a damned comic book!"

"Well let's hope that the Fuhrer doesn't have time for leisurely reading." Grumman chuckled and dropped the book on the desk. "I remember when Madam Christmas and I...well...lets just say it brings back some memories. Oh those were the days..."

Roy felt the bile begin to rise into his throat. It was bad enough Grumman was looking at a sex comic of him but to mention his Mom? Did he die and go to hell on the way to work this morning?

"By the way, there is a growing fangirl horde on the steps of HQ and apparently they're here to see you." Grumman smiled. "I'd like you to disperse the crowds please, against protocol to have people loitering outside."

"I'm sorry, a what?" Roy asked as Grumman left the room laughing. Fangirl horde? What the hell was that?

Grumman popped his head back around the door frame and said. "Oh, almost forgot. The Elrics are here too!"

Hawkeye watched Roy's head hit the desk and cringed. "Sir, please. If you suffer brain damage you're going to be defenseless against those fangirls."

"Wow, is this this a bad time or something?" Edward Elric walked in with his hands in his pockets and watched Mustang bash his head into his desk again. Grumman let loose a hearty laugh as he walked down the hall and it echoed back into the room. He just wanted to file his report and go, now it seemed like Mustang might be having seizures which delayed the process. "Did I walk in in the middle of your mid-life crisis Colonel?"

Roy looked up at the kid and gave him a death glare. Then he heard Grumman holler something about still being young and flexible and he felt the color drain from his face. Then Al arrived and stood next to his annoying brother and spoke up.

"Cheer up Colonel! I hear your book is sold out! You have people waiting outside for autographs! I reserved my copy, can't wait to read it!" Al clapped his hands and wondered what secrets the book would hold. _Flames of Passion_, if that didn't sum up Flame Alchemy in the most concise and clever way possible he didn't know what would.

Hawkeye couldn't help herself and a laugh escaped her mouth before she could suppress it. It was so wrong to find amusement in this. Still...Roy and Mrs. Bradley? Who wanted to see that? Sadly, she had to admit to herself, she couldn't wait to get her hands on it.

"My book?" Roy asked hesitantly knowing the answer. He glanced down at the doujinshi and read the words in his head along with Al's innocent voice as he said them aloud.

"Flames of Passion!" Al chirped. "We've read all the alchemy texts I can't wait to read yours on flame alchemy!"

"Couldn't have come up with a better name, Colonel? Sounds like you read too many romance novels." Ed said as the man twitched and cursed under his breathe. "What is wrong with you? Can't handle the pressure of being a best selling author, war hero and THE Flame Alchemist? Yeah, must be a rough life for you."

"Everyone out of my office NOW!" Roy stood and slammed his fist into the desk.

"Geez." Ed shook his head. "You might want to have your medication adjusted. I just want to file my report asshole!"

Roy glared at him and the kid stood his ground. "What report!?"

"The special assignment? _Pest Control Problem_?" Ed snapped back not sure if the Chimera issue was public knowledge in the office. They had been finding some interesting chimera creations all over East City that the Colonel demanded they look into. Apparently he forgot his urgent request and probably the promise that he'd do research to help them out. What the hell was wrong with him? "You senile now too?"

Hawkeye smiled as the phone rang and Roy's fists clenched. She stood and walked over to avoid him having a meltdown. "Colonel Mustang's office?"

Roy took the interruption as the break he needed to refocus. Ed was here to report on the chimera and he had to calm down. Chimera were the priority as they were finding many creatures that the press was asking for explanations on. Shou Tucker was either really getting creative with his work or had a radiation leak in his laboratory. He wanted to have evidence before he confronted the man, especially since his certification was coming up quickly. Scar was an issue too, so he had to keep tabs on the Elrics and keep them close to home without them realizing it. "Right, your report. I hope you didn't write it in crayon."

"I'll tell him, thank you Captain." Riza hung up and looked over at Roy. "Sir, the front gate needs you to deal with the crowd outside. The fangirl horde seems to be growing exponentially."

Roy nodded and threw his new doujinshi in his desk drawer. "Take a seat Fullmetal, I'll deal with you later."

"Really? Simplistic power play? Thought that would be beneath you, making me wait just so you can make yourself feel superior." Ed snorted and plopped down on the couch.

Roy regained his composure as Ed teased him. "You would have the most experience being inferior, so you can wait."

Hawkeye knew if it wasn't Ed he was addressing he's make some off-color comment about the girls begging to be the ones beneath him. However he strolled out of the room with his confidence restored and went to deal with the fangirls outside. She should probably be by his side to ensure they didn't get too out of hand, but she kind of felt he deserved it. She looked over at his desk and wished she could just get a glimpse of this doujinshi. Mrs. Bradley?

"Awww...I wish I had a copy of the book for him to sign." Al pouted and sat down beside his brother as the rest of the staff shuffled around and declared they were going to lunch. Havoc and Hawkeye stayed to keep them company.

"Can I get you something to eat Ed?" Hawkeye asked.

"Doesn't the Colonel get extra copies as an author? Do you have any copies?" Al asked innocently and looked to Hawkeye. "The reviews have been really favorable!"

Ed was getting tired of hearing about the damned book. Sure he was dying to read something new on alchemy too but not at the expense of Mustang's already inflated ego getting a boost. "He probably wants to make you buy a copy so he gets his money from it."

Havoc lit another cigarette to hide his smile with smoke. Roy Mustang and Mrs. Bradley. Wow. The icing on the cake was that these two had no idea what this 'book' contained. He should have been more adult about it, but the whole situation made him want to laugh.

Al kept prodding. "The guy at the store said it was 18 and over material because it was a graphic novel."

"Graphic?" Ed said curiously. "Like graphs and charts?"

Riza knew they would inevitably get their hands on a copy but until they did..."Descriptions of the effects of his...skill is quite graphic. More than some young readers can handle."

Havoc coughed as he sucked in way too much smoke with that comment. Mustang totally deserved this.

Al sighed. Oh the dark side of alchemy, they knew that well. "Oh. That's understandable."

Havoc stood and knew he was going to have to leave the room. He coughed and wiped away a tear, this was priceless. He was going to have to give the Colonel a hand with the situation, clearly he was going to be back to dating every woman in town again if he didn't. Seriously? Mrs. Bradley? Wow.

* * *

Roy sat down on the park bench and rubbed his temple. It was lunchtime, the day was barely half over and now he was in East City park discussing pornography with two teenagers. Pornography where he was the male lead and he was doing some things he had never heard of to the Fuhrer's wife...at her request. He hated Mondays. "I swear Al, I am not trying to keep you from learning anything about alchemy. I just don't think you realize what that...graphic novel contains."

Ed growled. "Shut up already Al! For God's sake! It's just a damned book!"

"It just seems to have made so many people happy!" Al hollered back. "The girls at headquarters were giggling and talking about their favorite parts and there is this silence and reverence when the Colonel passes..."

Roy groaned. He never wanted kids. If this was how damned awkward it felt trying to discuss porn with a 13 year old he never, ever wanted to have kids. Then again, delegation was one of his strong suits and clearly he could shuffle this burden onto the poor woman he married. Riza could easily...

"Colonel, you having a heart attack now?" Ed asked. "You have a weird look on your face. Like your constipated and your lungs stopped working."

"I'm fine." Roy composed himself. Where the hell was his mind recently? It was just one weekend together, its not like they were sharing a home and starting a family. Maybe this was a mid-life crisis. With the amount of stress in his life right now he was seriously wondering if he'd even live to 60. Damned Maes calling every day was beginning to warp his head.

"Can we just talk about the Chimera please?" Ed begged.

"But..." Al whined.

"About your report..." Roy saw his way out of the situation. Chimera! Yes, he needed to know more about the Chimera running loose so he could take out his frustration on Shou Tucker. "I'm concerned about your findings."

"If this is another way for your to bitch at me for my misuse of semi-colons..." Ed growled.

"No, we're talking about the Chimera now. It seems like what your finding indicates evolution." Roy said.

"How can the evolve when they are created?" Al asked.

"Evolution in the process of creating them." Roy sighed. "I wish I could go out there and look at these things with you but I can't get away from the office with all the work I have piling up. We could really gain a lot from a qualified necropsy."

"We just haven't had any luck catching them." Ed said quietly. "Al got pretty smashed up trying to wrestle the man-bear-pig."

"Man-bear-pig?" Roy asked. Well maybe when it was time for the kid's re-certification he'd have to help him with his research submission if he was going to be so eloquent with his findings.

"He was very preachy." Al said. "Said that our industrial society is going to lead to the end of the world by polluting our environment."

"You had a conversation with it?" Roy asked incredulously. Talking chimera was one thing but this was far more complex. "They are capable of coherent thoughts now?"

"Not just thoughts, educated debate." Al said. "He was trying to maul me but at the same time was screaming about taking action and leaving a smaller carbon footprint. I was unaware of the waste that is the by product of the steel making process. He encouraged me to recycle my body when I'm done with it and then got mad when I told him all bodies were recycled eventually."

Roy frowned. This was not good at all. "Ed, when you file a report I would like you to actually include _everything _you found."

"Well when I come to file a report it would be nice if you weren't such a condescending asshole." Ed countered.

"My job isn't exclusive to babysitting you." Roy reminded him.

"You have enough time to write a book..." Al pouted. "A best seller, sold out and nobody willing to sell used copies."

Ed ignored him. "Well we've been pretty busy handling the Chimeras for you so you could sit at your desk and write your masterpiece.. I didn't have time to write a damned report so I condensed it."

"You used bullet-points and drawings." Roy growled. "If I were to go off your report I'd be leading an army against exploding Hello Kittys. Why is it that everything you draw looks like a cat?"

"I draw transmutation circles not animals!" Ed hissed. "I'm an alchemist not an artist!"

Roy reached over for his cup of coffee and wished he had some drugs to ward off the inevitable migraine that was coming. He let that smooth and delicious java roll down his throat and closed his eyes. He really wanted to set Ed's cloak on fire, watch him run around yelping in the park while Al chanted something about stop, drop and roll. However he had to calm down if he was going to get anything out of these two. Where the hell was Riza? She was so much better at dealing with this impetuous idiot than he was. "Let's try to focus on the Chimera. Not their political views, not your piss poor artistic representations...just the Chimera. In two weeks we have gone from what you called the "Poodle-rabbit-midget" and "llama-lizard" to a much more advanced creature with the ability to engage you in conversation."

"We're pretty worried too." Al said. "Man-Bear-Pig was not very open minded."

"Colonel, we're going to have to do something soon." Ed sighed. "With the rate of advancement...it's looking like they'll have a much more human-like chimera walking around by the end of the month. I don't want something like this in the hands of the military...it's bad enough alchemy is used for battle."

"Alchemy used to transform innocent animals into weapons is horrible." Al said and watched the squirrels chase each other around the oak tree.

Riza approached carrying the food from the street vendors for lunch. She was surprised they were all sitting there quietly and nothing was smoldering or shooting up out of the ground. "Maybe I should go get you all dessert, I expected this park to be a war zone when I got back."

Roy smiled as she handed him fresh coffee and took his old cup. She also dropped two pills in his gloved hand for the headache she knew he's develop. He swallowed the pills and drank to wash them down. The coffee was a bit more flavorful than what they had at the office and he gave himself a second to enjoy the distinct flavor that had a little more bite than normal.

"Colonel Mustang!"

Roy's moment of solitude was ruined as a young girl rushed up and squealed. He looked at the book in her hand and wondered how many more pills Riza was willing to give him. "Yes?"

"Would you sign my book!?" The happy teenager blushed and handed him her copy of _Flames of Passion_. "My name is Darcie!"

"Everyone has that book but me!"Al crossed his arms and huffed. "Any chance you'll sell it?"

Darcie handed the Colonel her pen and then turned to the weird guy in the armor. Her demeanor changed to something more vicious, like a rabid dog. "You'll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands."

Roy drew one of Ed's prize cat drawings on the cover instead of incriminating himself by autographing this underage girl's porn. He felt like the texture was wrong as he doodled. He opened up the doujinshi and noticed that Darcie had cut out photos of herself and glued them over Mrs. Bradley's face. He closed the book and handed it back to her along with her pen. A piece of paper that had been wrapped around the pen, fluttered to the ground and he saw a phone number written on it. Great. The Fuhrer's wife commissioned the damned book, teenage girls were defiling it and the woman he was actually performing these acts with was trying not to laugh about it all. Yeah, it was great to be him.

Riza shook her head. When she was that girl's age she actually had Roy in her bedroom. Back then if he laid eyes on that book his cheeks would have been crimson and he would be stuttering and trying to explain his way out of it. Despite the fact that he was being hit on by a teenager in the park, she was actually pretty proud of how he had grown up. She was also happy he was in her bedroom again and he was a lot more comfortable handling adult material. "Sir, perhaps we should eat lunch before it gets cold."

Darcie let out a "Squee!" when she saw the adorable little cat he had drawn for her. She skipped out of the park and over to her group of friends who also let out a fangirl "squee!" before running down the street.

Roy snapped his fingers and burned the piece of paper with the phone number on it. "Where were we?"

Ed had already stuffed half of the beef brisket sandwich in his mouth and could only offer Mustang a shrug in reply.

Al watched the girls chirp and giggle and bounce off happily with their treasured copy of _Flames of Passion_ and took the opportunity to mumble. "I can't believe you won't share that joy with me Colonel."

Roy choked on his coffee. He coughed and leaned forward to hack up some liquid from his lungs and Riza slapped him on the back to help. He sat up and cleared his throat. OK, it just got dangerous to keep information from the younger Elric. "Alphonse, it's not an alchemy text. It's...a damned hentai doujinshi."

"A what?" Al asked and watched his brother's eyes grow wide.

Riza walked around to Roy's side and smiled. She wanted to have an unobstructed view of the conversation. Then Ed started to hack up his lunch and ended up spewing half eaten chunks of brisket and bread all over the lush green grass in the park. A few pigeons flew over thinking he was trying to feed them.

Ed hacked again as the few bits of lunch he managed to swallow came back up and he spit it on the grass. He rolled away from the bench and wiped his mouth as he looked at the Colonel to see if he was joking. The man was expressionless, but the Lieutenant was trying to suppress a smile. "Oh my God!"

"Keep your voice down." Roy growled.

"You were in a porno!?" Ed screamed and the pigeons that had started to creep up on their location to feast on his lunch spooked and flew off.

Roy watched a woman across the way pick up her child and run away with a look of horror on her face. "It was a damned fan comic."

"Flames of Passion..." Al squeaked. "Oh...I get it now. That's actually...kind of witty."

"You sick old pervert!" Ed hollered.

"I had nothing to do with that being created." Roy hissed. "So stop screaming!"

"So who drew it?"

"An old lady with an active imagination had it commissioned." Roy said. "As creepy as that sounds, it's really much worse."

"Non stop sexy times." Al mumbled. State Alchemists really did have the celebrity life.

"Al! Seriously!" Ed scoffed. "This is gross."

Roy sat back on the bench and drank some coffee, actually letting to go down his esophagus instead of his trachea this time. It was a much more pleasant experience. He tried to return to the important conversation before lunch was over. "Why can't you two take pictures of these monsters for me instead of practicing your cat drawings?"

"I don't have a camera." Ed shrugged.

"Considering how often you break your invincible automail, I doubt a camera would survive long anyhow." Roy realized they were probably on a tight schedule now. He wanted to see what degree of hybridization they were dealing with, the descriptions from the Elrics were on par with what he expected out of Elicia Hughes. Then he heard another fangirl "squee" and looked over his shoulder. Hmmmm..."Lieutenant, the doujinshi circles that draw those things, are any in East City?"

Riza nodded. "I believe so."

"Great." Roy smiled. "We're going to need to take Ed and Al to meet these artists. Perhaps those people are talented enough to provide a sketch from the descriptions these two spit out. Something better than their Hello Kitty fanart."

Ed paused as he attempted to take another bite of his sandwich. "Are you suggesting what I think you are?"

"That we use the people who draw doujinshi to draw your chimera? Yes." Roy responded.

"I just lost my appetite." Ed threw the sandwich at the pigeons. "You make me sick. Chimera porn? Really?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Ed. These people won't draw that unless you describe it and quite frankly if I get anything that resembles Chimera porn it's coming out of your paycheck."

"It would be helpful Brother." Al said and watched the pigeons fight over the sandwich. "The sooner we stop this the sooner we stop these horrible things from happening to those innocent animals and people."

Ed frowned as he realized he didn't get to eat any of that delicious sandwich. "Fine. Get us the sketch artist and well get you a Chimera encyclopedia."

* * *

Roy leaned back in his office chair and swiveled back and forth as Ed and Al burst into the office. He just got back from lunch, why were they back so soon?

"We got one!" Ed said triumphantly.

"One what?" Roy asked and waited.

"Chimera!" Ed said. "We caught one!"

Roy stood. "Are you serious?"

"Show him Al!"

Roy turned to the younger Elric and suddenly saw that he was carrying a box of some sort, covered with a cloth. He paused, expecting something magnificent when Al finally pulled the fabric away. Instead he saw some weird marine creature swimming in the small aquarium and his shoulders slumped. "What the hell is this?"

"We're calling it Octo-pussy." Al said and reached down to pet the little kitten head that was attached to the octopus legs. It meowed back and flapped it's little octopus tentacles around.

Riza walked over and looked in the tank as the weird aquatic animal meowed. She and Roy both bent down to look at the animal from the side of the tank. It's octopus tentacles flitting under the water to keep the kitten head in the air. "Thank God they stopped here before they went to that Doujinshi shop."

Roy nodded. "I was thinking the same thing."

"Meow." replied Al's new tentacle monster chimera.

Roy straightened back up. He rubbed his eyes. Seriously, Octopussy? Were these two screwing with him or just that naïve? And people wondered why they made all those sheep jokes about Resenbool natives. "OK, well since we have this live version then you don't need to have the artists draw it."

"Admit it, it looks just like my drawing." Ed snapped. "Say it!"

Roy flopped back into his chair and looked at the thing on his desk. Maybe he shouldn't send these two to the doujin shop, Havoc had informed him that there was a huge selection of books dedicated to what fangirls thought he did with his little apprentice. Having them in that shop, talking about how they just gave him "Octopussy" was going to probably kill a few fangirls from nosebleeds and start a whole new series of comics. "Un-fucking-believable."

"Thank you." Ed said.

Riza shook her head. She would have smacked Roy for the curse but was thinking the same thing. The Elrics really didn't look at any book that wasn't about alchemy, did they?

"Meow."

Al placed a small sardine can on the Colonel's desk. "Will you watch him for us? Promise you won't have him dissected?"

"Lieutenant..." Roy looked up at Riza.

"I have a dog sir."

"I'm not a cat person." Roy wanted to smack his head on the desk but he didn't want that tentacle monster to leap out of the tank and suction itself to his head. After the hentai this morning and Ed screaming about him being a porn star in the park at lunch, he didn't want to hear bout having Octo-pussy plastered on his face this afternoon. He closed his eyes and tried to focus past the headache that was pulsating right above his left eye. "Where did you find this?"

"I thought the cat was drowning in the sewer overflow." Al said. "So we rescued it."

Roy closed his eyes. "OK, now we're getting somewhere. Where?"

* * *

Roy stood under the hot water longer than he really needed to, however the warm water of the shower was all too welcoming and he just wasn't all that thrilled at his plans for the evening. It was a usual weeknight: he'd come home and shower, walk to his refrigerator in a towel and stare at it's lack of contents, then he would decide on whether or not he should go for groceries, do some reading or eat out at one of his regular dining establishments. If he went out he'd be obligated to look for a woman to flirt with and invite to dinner, if he went grocery shopping he'd flirt with women and invite one to dinner and forget about the groceries. It was a pathetic and tired cycle, one that he got little gratification from other than hearing about his adventures at work the next day. Keeping up appearances was getting annoying however if he suddenly stopped 'dating' there would be speculation as to why. He didn't need anyone looking too closely at comings and goings at Riza's apartment.

He turned off the water and toweled off his wet hair. At the moment he was too tired to play that part thanks to wandering around East City with the Elrics doing sewer inspections looking for chimera. Ed had borrowed some money from him to give to a hobo, Al found a newt in the storm drain and fell in while Ed screamed like a banshee about his blood seal and Riza had to threaten another fangirl pack that tried to pinch his ass into a bloody pulp. He was took tired and his ass hurt too damned much to deal with a dinner date.

He stepped out of the shower and he thought he heard a knock on his apartment door. Well maybe one of his dates was going to show up and make the decision easy for him, it happened occasionally. He paid Christmas's girls well enough that they ran to him when they got juicy intel for the quick payout. Also helped him with his reputation immensely. His mind was wearing down from thinking about everything that he was involved in and a break wouldn't be so bad, so maybe he could treat her to some dinner before they got down to business. He wrapped his towel around his waist and walked out of the bathroom as the knock got more forceful the second time.

Roy opened the door and immediately frowned as he stared at a metal chest of a suit of armor instead of the buxom chest of a potential date. His eyes drifted down and saw Ed's disapproving look. He forgot that he had given them his address in case they got in trouble, but in hindsight it's not like he ever expected Fullmetal to admit he was in trouble and show up. "You two in trouble?"

"What the hell? Is it pants optional Monday?" Ed snapped.

"I just got out of the shower." Roy growled. "And it's _my_ apartment.."

Ed put his hands on his hips and said loud enough that his voice carried down the empty hall, "You're not posing for another one of your damned porno doujinshi are you Mustang?"

Roy ground his teeth as the kid's obnoxious voice probably could be heard in every apartment on the floor. Of course all his neighbors knew his name and now he was going to have to deal with _those_ looks every time he passed them in the hall or got his mail. He reached out and grabbed the kid by his jacket and pulled him inside his apartment and waited on Al to follow.

"Colonel, can OctoPussy come too?" said that childlike voice that also carried all too well in the empty hall.

Roy hissed through his teeth as the chimera meowed in it's tank. "Come in Al, _now_."

Al ducked to clear the door header and slipped past Mustang. "Thank you, sir. I didn't know if your apartments had a pet policy or not."

Roy closed the door and placed his forehead on it. "I'm sure I'll get a notice from the management about not running a porn studio out of my apartment in addition to being put on the sexual predator list. Thanks."

"I guess you do take a lot of women home and they probably already suspect it." Ed said with a shrug.

Roy turned to them as Ed inspected the couch to make sure it was safe and sanitary to sit on. "Did you two want something or are you just here to give me a migraine?"

"We found some Chimera." Ed said and sat down, then put his feet up on the coffee table. He grabbed the book about water based alchemy off the end table and looked it over. "Thought you wanted to see them first hand, in their natural habitat."

"Please...make yourself at home." Roy muttered sarcastically, amazed at how quickly Ed made himself comfortable. Al however seemed to be eyeing all his furniture in order to find a suitable place to put the tank he was carrying.

"Can I use your bathroom?" Al asked.

Roy frowned knowing he had no physical use for the place anymore. "You're going to put that chimera in my bathtub, aren't you?"

Al nodded. "It's such a small tank, OctoPussy needs to say wet but also needs room to play."

Roy shook his head. Thank God the walls were thin or his neighbors would have missed out on _that_ line. "Sure, why not?"

Al marched off to the bathroom to make a more suitable home for the tentacle monster as the Colonel mumbled to himself and went into his bedroom and slammed the door. He had a hard time fitting in the small bathroom as it clearly wasn't made for a 'body' quite his size. He had to be careful how he moved or something would get scraped or damaged. "Don't worry, I'll have Ed check the water temperature before we put you in. I don't want to boil you."

"Meow!"

Ed looked up as he thought things got a little quiet. He was surprised to see he was suddenly alone in the living room but heard water running in the bathroom and Al's excited voice telling his new pet it was going to be well taken care of now. He shrugged and kept reading. Mustang was always overdressed, he would take forever to get ready if he had to figure out what suit to wear and how to do his pretty hair for a night out on the town. Maybe he could learn something if he read fast enough and try it out in the bathtub before Al put OctoPussy in there.

Roy put his boxers and pants on and the phone rang. Just ten minutes ago he was trying to figure out what he was going to do with his evening. Now he was wondering if he should have just drowned himself in the shower. He picked up the phone, "Mustang."

"_Roy_!" Maes's voice greeted him. "_Sorry about that mail at the office. I just thought it might help to have it recorded that you were upset and surprised by it_."

Roy frowned. "Maes, right now I have two teenage boys and a tentacle monster in my apartment, I might actually welcome the Fuhrer challenging me to a duel in the morning over his wife's honor."

"_You should really get yourself a wife soon_."

Roy said nothing and heard Ed's voice boasting about something. It sounded like it was coming from his bathroom. He cocked his head and listened as suddenly everything was way too quiet. "Excuse me, the Elrics are experimenting in my bathroom."

"_I don't know if I want you babysitting my daughter anymore_."

Roy hung up and tossed on a shirt before he opened his bedroom door and walked over to the bathroom. Sure enough Ed was standing over his filling bathtub reading the book whispering about water alchemy with his brother who was holding a purring octopus kitten chimera. "Whatever the hell you two think you're going to do, stop."

Ed looked over at him. "Like you weren't going to do the same thing later."

He was done playing nice. He was tired, clearly these two were trying to drive him insane and he had no female supervisor to smack him and tell him to behave himself. They weren't _that_ young and this was getting old. "No, I was not planning to stroke Octopussy before playing with alchemy and tentacles in my bathtub later. I am an adult, I get to play with real women and quite frankly I think you two should stop spending my money pitying hobos and go buy yourselves the services of one of this cities sex workers. They're in the same alley you seem to frequent, it just seems like you're both spending your time looking under the wrong trash bins and swimming in the wrong sewers. Now get the hell out of my bathroom and quit pretending to be naïve idiots. I'm too fucking tired for this shit."

Al hung his head. "Sorry, Colonel."

Ed frowned and closed the alchemy book. It was fun while it lasted. "We're still leaving Octopussy with you."

"You better rethink that. I might flush it and send it back to the sewers were it came from."

"No!" Al held the critter close. "It'll drown!"

"Then it goes home with you. Leave it here for now, but I swear to God I'll..." Roy pointed his finger and Al cradled the chimera protectively.

"Ok!" Al said and placed it in the full bathtub and pet it again. "Just til we get done showing you the other chimera, then we'll come back for it."

"Meow!"

Roy shook his head and growled before walking back to his bedroom to finish getting dressed.

Ed smiled. Yeah, it had been fun while it lasted. Granted it wasn't Mustang's fault they both thought _Flames of Passion_ was a alchemy text and not a hentai doujinshi, but he would rather blame Mustang for it anyway. He looked down at Al who was now feeding sardines to his chimera and well entertained for a while so he went back out into Mustang's apartment to look around. It wasn't what he expected, it was a simple one bedroom with an open floor plan and nothing extravagant. He expected the man to have something fancy, he did make some good money with both his military and State Alchemist salaries. Most State Alchemists got a fancy house and he was surprised Mustang lived so simply, especially when he tried to appear so extravagant.

He walked over to the only thing that really interested him, the wall of books. Dropping the water alchemy book on the couch he walked towards the desk to start checking out the library in left to right order. Unfortunately his golden eyes looked down at the desk first and saw something he couldn't resist looking at, _Flames of Passion_. He frowned. "Mustang you're a real whore, you know that?"

Roy rubbed his face with his hand before coming out of the bedroom. Yup. That's what the neighbor's needed to hear was Ed's teenage voice calling him a whore after that proclamation in the hall. Then he realized what it was in reference to what was in Ed's hand and what he was looking at on the desk.

"Holy shit! This is Mrs. Bradley!?"

Roy walked over and grabbed his porno back. "Don't believe everything you see in porn."

"That never happened, did it?" Ed asked cautiously and noticed the collection of dirty shot glasses and empty bottles of whiskey on the desk. He realized he didn't really know the Colonel at all, because his home betrayed him. It was a glimpse into the real Roy Mustang and it wasn't the man that he saw at the office or the man in the photo with Mr. Hughes at their academy graduation. He was a guy who sat alone in the corner of this dark room and drank while losing himself in the stacks of alchemy books around the desk.

"No." He said and grabbed the cursed doujin. "Lets go check out your Chimera."

Ed nodded as Mustang grabbed his firearm and a jacket, then walked over to the bathroom to talk with Al about how much sardines stank. "Hey Colonel?"

Roy sighed and looked over his shoulder at Ed who was refusing to leave his desk, as if the gravitational pull of his library was too hard to pull away from. "What now Ed?"

"Can we borrow some of these books when we come back to pick up Octopussy?"

"As long as it isn't Flames of Passion, you're welcome to borrow whatever you'd like." Roy said and watched Ed put his hands in his pockets, a sign that whatever he was thinking was making him uncomfortable. Wait, the kid wasn't trying to invite himself over...was he? He looked at the mess of empty bottles and knew it hadn't slipped past the eyes of the young alchemist. Damned alchemists, always so observant. "You just pulled this Octo-pussy prank on me and now you're worries about my mental health?"

Al looked up from digging in the trash can to pull out the sardine tin and said, "What?"

"Nothing, your brother is trying to be nice and is really awkward at it."

Al chuckled. "Still, it would be neat to talk about alchemy with you. I was actually really excited about reading a book about Flame Alchemy."

"Hate to disappoint you again, but nothing about Flame Alchemy has ever been recorded in a book." Roy said sadly and put his head against the door jam as Al pet his little kitten again and the creature purred and leaned into his touch. Poor kid just wanted a damned pet and some normal family experience, he wished he was capable of providing that but he only knew how to treat them like adults. The amount of times that Riza had hit him after he said something inappropriate, but honest, to them was probably putting a dent in his skull. Maybe this was the one thing he could do right, talk about alchemy. How could he screw that up? These two had already done the worst and he had to admit he was curious to see their research on human transmutation considering he had his own in cryptic notes on his bookshelf. "Still, we could probably start with some of this Xingese research I've translated on chimera."

"That would be great! I'd love to hear more about their culture and alchemy."

There were times when he swore that suit of armor could be the most expressive thing on the planet. There, sitting on his bathroom floor with a purring tentacle monster clinging to his armor was a happy kid who just wanted to talk about alchemy and have a family pet. Roy smiled as he turned and let Al say another farewell to his critter and realized that maybe he could do a little more than just watch over these two. He left the responsible adult things to Riza and Maes where the Elrics were concerned, they were so much better at it and all he was good at was arguing with Ed. Speaking of..."I thought you said _after _we come back from this little adventure."

Ed stood there with a stack of books in his arm and set them down on the coffee table. "Well, I don't see a reason to not set these aside now to save time later."

"Can we go please?" Roy said and walked to the door. This day was never going to end.

* * *

Roy looked up at the stars and closed his eyes. Ed was squawking about how the den of chimera had been full just two hours ago and Al was trying to calm him with facts about jungle cats being nocturnal. He was about to tell them to shut up and go get the pet out of his bathtub when a low, growl made the hairs on his neck stand up. He turned and looked into the alley where a pair of eyes caught the reflection of the full moon. He stared in disbelief as a lion/porcupine hybrid emerged from the shadows. So the Elrics get a harmless tentacle monster and he gets _this_!?

Ed turned as he saw the flash of light and a yelp. Then his golden eyes grew wide as he realized his commander was standing in the middle of Prospect Street facing down a lion with a singed mane. The roar from the creature made some discarded soda cans rattle and Mustang prepared to defend himself before Al's voice interrupted.

"No! Don't kill it! It's not at fault for this!" Al raced forward and tried to put himself between the lion and the Colonel.

The quills on the large cat sprung to life as it turned to face the new threat. It shook it's mane as a few hairs threatened to catch fire and the smell of burning fur began to fill the small area as the mane began to sizzle.

"God dammit Al!" Roy yelled. "We're not trying to start a fucking zoo! Get back!"

Ed ran over as quickly as his legs could take him, but not quick enough as the cat pounced his brother. "AL!"

Roy kept his eyes on the animal, as it rushed forward. The air coursing over it's mane helped ignite the dwindling fire. Al tried to bear hug the creature, but it's massive body and muscles proved to be too much for even hunk of armor to get a grasp on. Then the paw swiped at his head and the helmet flew off, bouncing down the street with couple of clanks that were quickly drowned out by a deafening roar.

Ed was about to press his hands to the ground, if he could form a fist out of the old brick roadway then he could knock the animal off his brother. Al was about to be pushed back and another two steps would find him tripping on the curb and into a dumpster. Then a click caught his attention and he looked to his right to see his commanding officer staring down the animal with a gun in his hand. There was a different look on his face, one devoid of emotion and eyes that were locked on to his prey. It made him pause, startled by the change in the man.

Roy had never done any hunting, but he could remember Riza doing it when he was staying with Master Hawkeye. She showed him what he was supposed to aim for on the deer, right before she put a shot through it's heart. To be a hunter meant to provide the animal with a clean kill, a swift end. His other hand came up to steady his aim on the 1911 pistol, his dark eyes now targeting the animal's heart for impact with a bullet instead of calculating the components of the atmosphere for a pinpoint strike of fire. He waited for the animal to expose itself, keeping his breathing steady and focusing on that target.

Ed winced as the sound of the gun firing echoed off the walls of the buildings and the street. It was a quick firing of three rounds and it sucked the breathe right out of him. Only when he heard Al scream and a horrible groan did he look over to see the lion disengage from it's battle with Al's body. The beast slipped off the suit of armor, it's claws riding down the metal chest of his bother like fingernails on a chalkboard right before the animal fell over. The fire in it's mane finally extinguished by a puddle.

Al's sobs came from the head that lie on it's side in the street. "Why Colonel? It wasn't his fault!"

Roy lowered his gun and glanced at Ed's face, seeing the look of childlike disbelief on his face that he was sure would have been on Al's as well. "I don't take chances with my subordinate's lives."

Ed blinked as Mustang walked over to check on the animal. The statement was stern and factual and he hated that he felt comforted that the man would protect the two of them. He brushed it off and went over to pick up Al's head and hold it against his chest as Mustang freed his body of the animal's body.

"Why..."

"It attacked you Al." Ed said quietly. "So let's go help the Colonel get it out of here before the police arrive so it didn't die in vain, Ok?"

* * *

Roy looked around the empty railroad yard and wished that he had called Hawkeye for backup. He had grown accustomed to having her in his shadows that he felt naked without her, especially in this awkward situation: Creeping around the East City rail yard at night with a young impetuous alchemist and his armored brother who was carrying a partially singed lion with a back full of porcupine quills.

"What are we looking for?" Ed whispered.

Roy cringed. Even the kid's whisper was way too obnoxious and loud. "Keep it down."

"I am."

Roy growled. "We need to find the office."

"Why?" Ed asked as he made sure to stay on Roy's heels in an attempt to stay quiet.

"I'm going to ship that chimera to a friend for necropsy." Roy realized it was best to explain everything now as the kid would just keep asking questions. "An ex-girlfriend works in the railroad office, I can ship it and have her adjust the manifest later so nobody finds out about our little furry friend here."

"Is there anyone you _haven't _dated?" Ed grumbled.

"Brother, haven't you figured out what _Flames of Passion_ was about yet?" Al asked as he came up on the two other alchemists and watched them both cringe. "Colonel Must Bang apparently is a name well earned."

Roy saw some railroad employees working on loading up a few stock cars and said, "Wait here."

"No way." Ed shook his head. "Hawkeye will kill us if something happens to you when she's not here to babysit. You might be too stupid to be afraid of her, but we're not."

"Fine." Roy watched Al set the chimera down and realized at least one of them was going to follow orders, just not the one currently in the employ of the military.

Ed tried to look casual as he and Mustang strolled across the rail-yard in the dark. A few yard employees snickered and shouted about 'get a hotel room' or 'someone likes midget hookers'. He ground his teeth and was in a foul mood when they finally got to the rail office. "Why is this even open? It's nighttime."

"Warehouse workers are here around the clock." Roy informed him as they entered the office and the night manager cocked an eyebrow at him, then to his little blond subordinate and back to him. "I need to ship an item to Central. I'll need a crate as well."

The man looked at the blond kid and just said. "No. You want to ship people, you can use Central Rail."

"It's a sensitive shipment." Roy put a wad of Cenz on the counter and thought about the look on Dr. Knox's face when he opened the damned crate with his chimera in it. There was going to be no way he could communicate with him over the phone or through Maes. He was going to have to send someone to watch the shipment and explain what was going on. "And two guards that will be going along to protect it."

"What are you shipping...for the manifest records?" The man asked.

"Taxidermy supplies." Roy said and watched the man jot it down.

* * *

Riza knew that she didn't need her gun when she got to the door and Hayate was wagging his tail. She looked at her clock and wondered who would show up at 2am on a weeknight. She opened the door and looked at an exhausted Roy who just stumbled into her foyer. "What..."

"It's been a bad day." He explained and gave her a pitiful pout. "I don't want to go back to my apartment, there is an OctoPussy in my bathtub."

She closed the door and locked it. Then turned to kiss him. "Why do you smell like burnt fur?"

"Can we take a shower and I'll tell you about it?" He asked, knowing full well he sounded like he was begging. He was begging, he needed her and he just couldn't go back to his horrible little dark hole of a apartment right now.

"It's not going to end up in the pages of a hentai doujinshi, is it?" She joked and watched his eyes lift with a glint of humor before he blinked away another wave of exhaustion. What in the world did he get into tonight and why didn't he call her?

He hung his head. "It's been a really bad day."

"Just come to bed." She pet his head and flipped off the light.

"Thank you." He said and followed her into her bedroom where he flopped onto the bed without taking his clothes off and fell asleep before she could put her gun away and turn out the light. She shook her head and pulled his shoes off and undressed him to the best of her ability. She took his gun off his holster and noted that it smelled like discharged gunpowder. She check the magazine and wondered what happened tonight. As much as she wanted to ask, she knew if it was important he would have said something. So she turned off the light, curled up next to him, threw a blanket over them both and wished she made him take a shower first. He really did smell like wet dog, burnt hair and smoke.

"We're going to have to discuss you going places without me when you wake up." She ran her finger over his jaw and brushed some soot off his cheek with her thumb. "You're home now, sleep well."

* * *

**AN:** Man-Bear-Pig is most definitely because of South Park. OctoPussy...I mean come on? How could I not use that?


End file.
